Main, Meri patni aur woh : Missing greatness by a mile

Main, Meri Patni aur Woh starts with a bang. And ends with a whimper ....... The redeeming grace is Rajpal Yadav. He once again proves that he is the best actor around AND one of the very few actors around who can speak Hindi. A welcome relief from movies with moony-faced, chocolate hero making dreamy faces and saying stupid and strangely mixed language monologues like "Main tumhare liye exist karta hoon".

The rest of the movie disappoints though. What starts out (intentionally or not) to be a satire and a commentary on the insecurities of the Indian male degenerates into a confused tale of a man who is actually a wimp.

The movie plot is simple enough : Mithilesh (Rajpal Yadav) holds on to his bachelorhood as long as he can. He finally breaks down and decides to tie the knot when he meets Veena (Rituparna Sengupta), a ravishing beauty. He is impressed with her as a person and she is impressed with his simplicity and shy demeanor. They get married and things start getting complicated because of Mithilesh's suspicious nature (quite justified considering that he has married a beautiful woman). He believes that everyone is out to have a go at his wife. That includes his friend Salim (Varun Badola), her friend Akash (Kay Kay Menon), the doodhwala, the sabjiwala ......

The movie starts quite good with very funny sequences and humorous interludes. The emotional mom, the intelligent and caustic uncle (played excellently by Vinod Nagpal (damn, I still can't stop thinking of him as basesar-ram !!)), the geeky librarian who lands a real beauty..... and sundry other characters are introduced, ready to play out their parts and their stereotypes. But then, unnecessary time is wasted with stupid, meaningless songs, too many sequences of Mithilesh acting suspicious and some sequences which are ... pointless (case in point - a loooong chat sequence on the terrace with Mithilesh and Akash)

After the second half one almost begs for the movie to get a certain direction. Astonishing sequences follow -reminiscent of 80s DD soap operas where snatches of conversation are heard and the characters, in a dumb, slow-moving dance, make magical inferences , re-inforcing what they actually want to hear. An amazing sequence in the movie -> Mithilesh sees Veena come out of his uncle's office. Mithilesh goes in, hears snatches of a conversation where his uncle is discussing a divorce on the phone .... and concludes that he is discussing his (Mithilesh's) divorce !! "You F*&k, why don't you just ask him, he is your goddamn uncle !!" I screamed at the TV. I agree that the buildup to this scenario is there. Enough sequences in the movie are designed to plant a suspicion in Mithilesh's mind. Maybe Mithilesh is even justified in thinking that his wife is contemplating divorce. But the way Mithilesh pussyfoots around the idea of a confrontation makes the viewer lose all respect for him.

The interminably long restaurant sequence at the end where Mithilesh's circumlocutory conversation had my fists all balled up. A sensitive hero is fine ..... but this guy is just plain gay! Maybe such a weak guy really does not deserve this girl. The inevitable and predictable ending has Mithilesh weeping, tears in his eyes ... and ours too, in relief. Sigh, such a waste .....

Towel bandobast

The usual intern writers are queuing up at major websites to review the two biggest movies of the year "Saawariya" and "Om Shanti Om" . From what we are told by the Bollywood publicity machines, they are playing to "packed" audiences.

Courtesy of these morons, comes this awesome WTF moment. Sample this review in the Times of India ... which is a bit decent except for this one line.

.... The boy can dance, emote and win your heart, the Rishi Kapoor way. The boy has bright future (sic) with the girls already wowing his butt-flashing towel bandobast .....

The butt-flashing part makes sense because, from what I know, this guy has decided to provide some eye candy for the gay guys by flashing his tucchus (appropriately hidden by a towel) but WTF is a "butt-flashing towel bandobast" ? Is "bandobast" some slang term that Nikhat Kazmi pulled out of his/her ass .....

Salam-e-Ishq

Salam-e-Ishq tries to copy "Love Actually" and fails badly ..... It's sad , a pretty decent movie by Bollywood standards and f-ed up because Salman Khan f*&in had to be in there somewhere. Priyanka Chopra sucks ass ... not totally her fault because of a malignant disease that causes Bollywood directors/producers to assume that a lady with a nice ass can act too. Govinda is top dollar and steals the show easily.

All things Amitabh

Continuing with the new fascination of all things Amitabh is the new headline in the Indian Express. You would think it is another article by some BA (Arts) intern that Indian Express regularly hires to fulfill its daily quota on Amitabh news. But it is an article about a book -Bollywood, A History by Mihir Bose.

Now, inspite of the assholes in the media, who will probably lead us to believe that nobody exists in Bollywood except the Bachhans (and , in addition, maybe His Supreme Assholeness Sriyut Salman Khan), Bollywood did have a rich history before it descended into the garish chutiyagiri that we see these days. And so , it happens the real stars of the book (you know "ordinary people" like Dadasaheb Phalke, Salunkhe, KL Saigal) have to wait till the latter part of the article to be condescendingly mentioned.

Note that in the article, the webprint for the greats of yesteryears put together is approximately equal to that dedicated to Mr. Bacchan.

Utter stupidity reigns, I tell you ......

Guru - a missed opportunity

Guru is (supposedly) the life story about Dhirubhai. And you will be convinced about it if you can believe that Dhirubhai (and Kokilaben for that matter) was capable of doing a mean dance step. Actually, I am quite sure that they were quite incapable of it and hence the fact that “Guru” is asininity presented on film.

First of all, the movie does not have the balls to present Guru (Dhirubhai) as the master manipulator that he was. The various ways that he screwed the system are mentioned only in passing and in ways that are more accusatory (even laudatory at times) than based in fact. Eg. The way in which Dhirubhai scammed the government by importing empty boxes and claiming excise exemption is mentioned by a reporter while trying to shoot a false sequence implicating Guru and even there it is interjected by a laudatory line (“Kudos to Gurubhai for making money off of empty boxes”) by a disabled Meenu (Vidya Balan).

Dhirubhai was born to run, he did not know the meaning of “No” and was probably the most arrogant of all businessmen. Bill Clinton was once rumored to have spent 45 minutes talking with him but Dhirubhai himself said that he was willing to fall at the feet of the lowliest government servant if he could get his work done. To truthfully present such a complex character would have taken, at the very least, a dedicated study of the man himself and at least a modicum of honesty to present things as they were. Neither was possible here because mani Ratnam did not even attempt to involve the Ambanis (probably he knew he was making a bollywood movie not a biographical) and ... well, good luck trying to find honesty in our movies regarding powerful people.

Anyways, this would have meant showing Guru as a person who is so obsessed with his goals that he may as well be mad – The movie pretty much kills this by unnecessarily wasting time making Guru dance to forgettable tunes and try to steal kisses from Aishwarya Rai as they share a rented room with her brother.

Can a hero be portrayed as ruthless and still be good? Probably in an Ayn Rand novel. Not in “Guru”. Guru only tersely remarks “The more they try to stop us, the faster we will go”. Even the effort to silence a newspaper owner is pinned on one of his managers. The real Dhirubhai, as everybody know, was much less forgiving towards his enemies and much more proactive in crushing them.

All in all, the movie justly deserved its “neither-a-flop-nor-a-hit” status in spite of great acting by Abhishek and Mithun-da. A movie, which does not have the balls to be honest, deserves a kick in the ass.

Where is Nana ??

Blogging perhaps ?? But no, he isn't lately .....

Nana- saheb, please parat ya ....

Black Friday

Had a glimspe of "Black Friday" yesterday on Youtube and the word "stupendous" comes to mind.

Without going into the rave reviews, watched in its own raw glory, the movie stuns with its pure and raw power of true artistes (artistes != actors; artistes > actors).

Everybody who is somebody in the world of acting (not in the Bollywood , Shah-Rukh Khanian sense of way) is in this landmark effort .... Kay Kay Menon, Pavan Malhotra, Pratima Kazmi, Pankaj Jha .... and many more who will probably be known forever by their roles that they have played here. One most certainly missed Nirmal Pandey and Raghuvir Yadav. It is only rare that a chance comes along that we can see the actors of their stature get a chance in fertile grounds such as these.

A magnificent movie which will most defintely set the benchmark for any further investigative documentary style dramas that may be made in the future in India.

Hope they release the DVD soon for us poor souls in the US.

Salman Mania is back ... and I'm prepared.

After a lull, Salman mania is back with the ass kissers in the media firmly behind him (notice how they hang on to every word that drips from his pie-hole). Here's some graffiti that I had for his group of headlines ....

People think I am an idiot: Salman Khan
That and also that you are a f####in ass*&le. They are right on all counts.

Salman, the lucky mascot!
We prefer Apu

I’m not a romantic guy: Salman
Agreed. You're a bitch.

My marriage is in God's hands: Salman Khan
And your neck too. Hope HE squeezes it real tight.

White man doing Bollywood ... HILARIOUS !!

Found this wickedly funny video of an accomplished mime doing a Bollywood song. I don't know who the mime is but he has defintely captured the inherent gayness of the average Bollywood hero (IMHO almost all of them are really that ... average) who can lip-synch to entire songs. Some of them actually walk away with Padmashrees.



One thing that I really liked about this mime was how he lapsed into a wierd sub-sequence in the song when he cannot seem to find his other song-mate.

Now, we can shake Bollywood filmdom and a twenty dozen instances such as this will fall out, but one sequence I remember vividly (because it had Amitabh in it I guess) which drove me really crazy was a song sequence in Geraftaar where Amitabh Bacchan and Kamal Hasan are singing a song in tandem and each cannot find the oether .... and they are separated by a lousy wall ! Shit, I may be taking this a bit seriously you know but I remember I was actually rolling on the floor laughing at that sequence while all my friends and family members sitting in front of the TV, were looking at me as if I was crazy ....

(If) Rajnikant (were) in KANK

Jems in this video include "Maa in ankh", "No SRK .... Only rajni saar" and a priceless imitation of Karan Johar (his movies are certainly gay)



Hall of shame ? Throw it out of the frame !!

Death of a maestro - OP Nayyar

The events of the past few days have unfolded in a curiously overlapping sequence which make one lapse into a melancholic realization of the cycle of life (Shilpa Shetty's career) and death (OP Nayyar).

Picture acknowledgement - Rediff

Both in his personal and professional life, OP Nayyar , in the opinion of a humble fan was truly revolutionary, a true individualist in a world where kow-towing to the people who are responsible for your success is a way of life. Professionally, he was one of the few (probably the only one) who dared to stand against the Lata juggernaut ... even though later in life his own protege, Asha Bhosle, deserted him. Personally too, his own family deserted him (and according to the wiki, did not even attend his funeral), but OP-saab, while he was alive, was too proud and did not hesitate to depend on the kindness of strangers.

His contemporaries, Asha Bhosle, Rafi, Geeta Dutt, Gurudutt and and host of artistes gives us an idea of the fertile grounds that OP Nayyar thrived in. But he was the prima donna incarnate and was reputed to be one of the first music composers to command a lakh for a movie.

Picture acknowledgement - Screenindia

OP will be missed by his legions of fans.

An excellent interview with the maestro can be see here. Amusing in parts - for example, his frank admission that he was a womaniser (we can now sympathize with his family for leaving him), a friend of the drink and that he did not suffer fools ... and even wise men for that matter !

Chiranjeevi does a "Thriller" a la Michael Jackson

Chiranjeevi does a Michael Jackson .. Killer, Killer,Killer,Killer ... Goli Marrr !



Amusing, entertaining, and brings back fond memories of about a decade ago when the lustful fantasies of many a youth (yours truly included) were played out by South Indian movies on late night Sun TV .....

Enter Govinda's mini-me

Govinda's progeny makes an entry in to "no-talent-required" movieland with his debut in "Boys and Girls". It's a "controvesial" story about a student-teacher romance. I almost jerked to the edge of my seat. Did popular cinema find its balls at last to depict such a controvesial topic ?

I needn't have worried. We are still under Priyaranjan "The Bastard" Dasmunshi's rule. It is actually based on the true incident in the US (seriously, there have been so many of those in the US that it is hard to pick one on which this movie is supposedly based ... here's one).

The movie is guaranteed not to show even a hint of physical love, the cornerstone of such relationships ..... and anyone who does not believe that this movie is solely for titillation value, oughta have his/her head checked.

Picture acknowledgement : The Hindu

The God Who wasn't there ??

Meanwhile, in a movie guaranteed to ruffle some feathere, The God Who Wasn't there proposes to challenge the the very basics of Christianity. It intends to show that Jesus Christ did not exist !!

With turds like Dasmunshi, we will probably be able to see the movie in India in 2199.

The trailer can be seen here .

Trial by Media and Shilpa Shetty

For the past few hours, everywhere that the eye sees, one sees Shilpa madam. The Indian government minions not one to miss a chance to be associated with glamour is pitching in by expressing its horror against racism (note that this is the same govt promoting racism's close cousin - casteism) against one of its citizens.

As I am writing this, the closest thing I heard to a racist remark that was made against Shilpa Shetty was somebody calling her a "Paki" (I don't consider "cunt" as a racist remark, or someone as racist if he/she does not share my taste in spicy foods). Now, my fellow desis, how many times have you called a Chinese guy a "chinku" ? In fact, most of the Indians I have known classify blacks as "kallus" (the most recent nickname doing the rounds being "ShyamSundar"). Does that mean desis in general are racist ? Of course, if
we go by how we are judging the British.


The basic problem is that with our tendency to group people (mindlessly, I must add) into groups so that the actions of individuals,good or bad, don't matter. In other words, stereotype groups without accounting for actions of individuals. So, whites are always racist, Muslims are all evil, blacks are violent ..... the stereotypes (both good and bad) are plenty. And I will be restating the obvious if I say that these stereotypes will stand till such a time that, as one of my favorite comedian says, we will be all of a uniform color - beige.

Now, Shilpa's closest are putting up an "Oh-So-sad" face. Her mother is saying that it pains her when people abuse her and she has to put up with it (Read the antics of that criminal bitch here). Fine, good ..... we will know the authenticity of those sad feelings when Shilpa Shetty decides to return the humungous 3 crore Rupees (approximately $0.7 million) that she is supposedly getting from the show. Let us see how much that pimp she calls her father loves her and hates what happened to his daughter to return the money that she will get.

Lastly, what are the protesting people protesting against ? What constitutes racism ? Was Shilpa Shetty singled out ? Of course not. As far as I know, the whole point of the reality show is to bitch, moan and backstab. OmaRosa actually used the racism bludgeon to gain celebrity status. And why isn't the "racist" cast picking on Jermain Jackson ? He is black, isn't he ? He certainly isn't complaining of racism.

Shilpa Shetty is, of course, partly to blame for her own misfortune. She acted like an ass when she introduced herself. What was she thinking when she introduced herself as a star (in her movies she displays everything else but her acting ability) and regaled them about her celebrity status ? Of course, she probably forgot to mention that her father (rightly so) is fighting in court for issuing death threats on her behalf. And sundry other trivia ... like her connection to the underworld (whose bitch the whole of Bollyword is). So, Shilpa was so far out that she probably did not get the sarcasm when they nicknamed her - "The Princess". That being said, only the most clueless would boast about their celebrity status to a room of ..... shall we say people who have been on the less glamorous side of life .....including such gems like Jermaine Jackson (who is paranoid about sharing toilets), an illiterate nurse, a fiesty (fine print meaning uncouth) journalist. (The rest of the gems that they picked up for the cast can be seen here. You can see that they were definitely scaping the bottom of the barrel ..... The choice for Shilpa speaks volumes about what they think of her vis-avis other members of the cast)

Needless to say, these people have had their figurative teeth knocked out while living their life .... and here was a sexy star boasting about how good she has it going. Next time, Shilpa-jee, go to the poorhouse and boast about how much money you have. See what reaction you get.

No one is disagreeing that the behavior of the cast is reprehensible but only on the personal level. Of course, if I don't like your food, I am going to say "screw you, I'm not eating that" ..... what if Shilpa chose not to have beef cooked by somebody ? Would that be "racism" on Shilpa's part ? If someone calls her a cunt, she can call him a dick. But being brought up in the cloistered and protected environment of Bollywood stardom, will she have the balls to do that ? After Aishwarya Rai's toe-curling cluelessness on the David Letterman show and Shetty's weeping visage being shown around, that answer has got to be a big "NO".

And oh yes, I agree with Anand ..... Priyaranjan Das Munshi can go fuck himself...... And may I add that he does look like a pimp.

Update - While something like this, goes unnoticed. Will these patrons and products of whores protest against something like this ?

Pankaj Kapur

Pankaj Kapur lends his insight into the workings of the average Bollywood filmmaker in this Rediff interview.

Kapur is proof embodied that pedigree, looks or glamour ar unnecessary for the true artiste to shine. Displaying Holmes-ian peculiarties in Karamchand (Shut up, Kitty - Ah those politically incorrect days ... these days a kiss-ass female sidekick is likely to be analysed to death in blogs and columns ), a terrorist leader in Roja, or a beleagured don in Maqbool, Pankaj Kapur shone forth as a true Indian method actor. With the exception of Om Puri, probably no other actor has straddled TV and the theater and reached the pinnacle in both.

It is tribute to the genius of the man that he states it, matter-of-factly, that he cannot work on anything unless it is based on a "bound script". With the quality of roles that he has done, this comes across as really genuine and not an empty boast.

I would respectfully disagree with Kapur though when he places the blame of personality-based movies and TV shows on entities like the directors and TV channel bigwigs. The ultimate blame lies with the kind of sentimental majority of Indians that patronize these directors and shows that give them the power. Movies like Vivaah (Marriage isn't a game ..... Don't you want to just kill somebody sometimes) still rake in the moolah ...... nuff said.

But artistes like Kapur soldier on. We can only look on in awe at an artiste with complete mastery of his craft. Whether as the caricatured Tarneja in Jaane Bhi do Yaaro or the inward-looking terrorist in Roja, Pankaj Kapur has always inspired us ... Here's to more where that came from !

Screen Awards

We come to know through Rediff that Kareena Kapoor and 'Bips' (obviously the authors are soooo close to Bipasha Basu) are rehearsing for the Screen Awards. Going by past performances of 'artistes' like Kareena Kapoor, rest assured that there will be missed steps and loads of crappy dancing (i.e. PT steps to songs of yore).

Serious attempts were made to deal a death blow to the English language at the end of the article. A sample

(by somebody named Anjali) yaa i like hrithik&kareena pair very much.She is very pretty&gorgeous,i think she deserve for that award. All the best BEBo

Revirgination

Pam-madam is back again with this sansani-khez khabar .... Bollywood bombshells have a secret desire to get "revirginated" ...

Meanwhile, Pam-madam graciously gifts us the following photo of an unknown starlet (which acutely affects a certain body part of mine - I mean , my ulcer), possibly from the list of starlets that she refers to in the article.

Our eternal thanks to Pam-madam once again for bringing us the news as it happens ....

Mallika Sherawat again .....

This time dedicated to the commentators of the vacuous rediff articles on the lady ...... Mallika madam displays part of her changu-mangu pair (both of which she keeps close to her chest) .... Her fans (your truly included ... only of the changu-mangu, though) are speechless and are reduced to nothing more than a few words and drools (see comments at the end of this article)

Mallika Sherawat's New Year tantrum

The e-papers are agog with excitement over Mallika Sherawat's New Year tantrum .....

Well, wouldn't you be angry if you had to shake your Changu-Mangu in front of people .... and then were filmed and lied to about the duration of the filming ... Huh ?

Check out the comments at the end of the article for minor doses of hilarity .... you know, just the usual people saying 'Hi' ... or is is 'Hai' ... or 'Hy'